Dear Diary...

TheDiary of a Quarantine Survivor 

Dear Diary,

                   I remember all the times I was once allowed outside... walking on the rustling leaves, running ragged in the mud, to touch the sand and make a sandcastle, to sing and dance in the rain and to meet friends for a late night pub crawl, All the times I was allowed to go and see a loved one, to hug and kiss a my close family and other loved ones and to explore the world and lap it up on holiday with the sun cooking us and enjoying the sights. The times I was allowed to sing HO HO HO, or trick or treat... and to go to work and uni like a typical human being. I can't even go out and make friends, by the end of the lockdown if it does end, I'm gonna have no friends in sight!

But now it's now its no more! Now its time to kiss that good bye,  to say Adios and bon voyage to Liberty and to our freedom! As we say our prayers to the outside world as I know it... as in 3- 2- 1 and in a click of a finger the world was on a tragic standstill and imprisoned in our own homes. Dorothy wasn't joking when she says "Theres no place like home!" As the world has no choice but to nod and agree.

No touching or hugging and don't kiss me, it may harm you. Such sickening words to say to a loved one, its in fact quite soul destroying. It kills me like a razor blade in the chest.  its such a hurtful feeling, but at the same time I don't want to harm my loved ones by giving them a highly contagious infection! As that would kill me and I would never forgive myself for as long as I shall live.

I am now completely restricted from any movement that you'd naturally do to begin with when Lockdown was announced, I didn't know what to feel- I just felt so hollow and empty... it seemed unreal to start off with, then all the sudden it began to effect me mentally and physically. Everything beginning to pile up upon me I have changed so much, mentally and physically... sometimes days im going down hill, hitting rock bottom- not finding a speck of motivation to get out of my bed anymore and other days I am strong enough to do something productive. For me it has been such a challenging year for me as it is with knowing people whose no longer with us anymore... and with this pandemic is just the tip of the iceberg really... so I just began to crumble into a social hermit.  I then started to find I was losing myself- not being myself recording to people in my household, some of which have started getting quite concerned at some points, whist also learning the values of true friendships and knowing which ones they are, knowing who is on your side fighting your corner and wondering which ones to trust... so of course onto of the lockdown anxiety went sky high at certain days this year won't be a forgetful one for as long as I shall live, it'll be the conversation everyone will look back on in years to come. 

All I bloody hear these days is social distance, no touching, save lives and Stay home! its beginning to drive me up the wall! There once was a time where these words were the last thing you'd ever expect to hear, us humans are mammals of togetherness and social interactions loneliness just drives everyone to insanity everything is distance, distance, distance... clean me, clean me, clean me!  Its a massive mental strain! Everyday you're walking on eggshells fearing of doing something you would naturally do without harming others around you or being one bite away from the virus and one touch away from disease! we are living in the world of the unknown and facing an invisible nemesis outside our front doors.  It's absolutely relentless.

These days you can't say hello to someone without wearing protective gear, you can't always be allowed in the same room as a close family member or your best friends without fearing you're a carrier or they're carrying something contagious that'll harm others.  You can't even take a walk to the shops without fear of a person touching something before you incase they're a carrier... Now you are battling with yourself against the rest of the world fearing the worst no matter who they are, in order to save yourself and loved ones.

As I say you never know anything anymore... literally! Everything is a question without an answer! Nobody knows a way out! Nobody knows f*ck all about the ins and outs and what is actually going on with the world anymore! All we know today is social distance, stay clean, stay home and save lives! It is preventing people like me to interact with other humans, in terms of making friends, finding relationships etc, some people are suffering with loneliness to the point of relying on Online dating as a safety net till they can run free as if they finally released the kraken! This is in a way how I see Covid 19 wave one... was lockdown and im-prisionmed... along with the constant a fear of wave two is just a release the kraken moment waiting to happen! 

What is frightening enough is the thought of touching a loved one causing fears of death just waiting outside your front door.. what is worse is the fact that sometimes you can catch this virus without actually contracting any symptoms... which is getting a dry cough, getting a high temperature... higher than room temperature... and losing the sense of smell and of course the most feared... a wheezy breathe to the point where so many poor unlucky souls in the word are relying on a ventilator to force their lungs to breathe for them to help them get air going in and out of the lungs where many brave soldiers are lucky to make a recovery whereas some of which are unlucky soldiers and couldn't quite fight the battle and sadly pass away.  It just takes me feel lucky I still have both legs to stand on and that I'm still breathing. 

You know something... my dearest diary... there once was a time where meeting my friends brought me joy and gave me a buzz, going out for pints with friends was a lot of fun, where going out with the family was an enlightening experience... there was the good old times where I was getting fitter and leaner... going to the gym enjoying a workout after a stressful day and feel good for the rest of the day... times where I can go out to the Cinemas and watch a big blockbuster film and enjoying the experience of going to the movies like the good old days. 

What about, all the times you could go on holiday and enjoy having fun in the sun... going to the beach on a hot summer's day and times where I could go to work! But... that's all gone down the swans like a sinking ship.  You can almost describe this year and compare it to when titanic crashed into an iceberg and sunk as all these everyday enjoyments and luxuries have sunk to the ground.  dStill least its not just me going through these notions of the Lockdown... I'm going through all this with the rest of the world wondering if we can ever get back up again and revive the world back too the way it was. But now its a new world... living in the new norm.  Its like the puritans have returned and turned the world into a sinful borefest... it's just no fun anymore. 

If this is how bad it's been for me... a student... I can only imagine what its like for the key workers- I couldn't do what they do everyday... I honestly don't know how they cope... the NHS, Supermarket workers, Policemen etc are all simply amazing and deserve every praise they get... working a sweat everyday for the sake of humanity's survival... we really are playing our cards against humanity! There is not a single day I don't think well done to the key workers! There is not one day where these people haven't got my respect.  Still we as a universe as mammals we like togetherness, to the least at least we are all in this together... What I fear most is if a friend or loved one gets harmed with the virus and end up in critical condition... I am especially fearing this second wave... once was bad enough... two will only be the walking dead in real life! It's honesrly like everyone has got given the part of an extra in the walking dead... This is the biggest thing to ever spiral during my lifetime to be added in the history books, comparing this pandemic to WW1 AND WW2 I wonder if this is going to be just as bad or If it is in fact much worse... As Corona virus is out of everyones control... and there's everyone trying to find the answers and find a cure and make a vaccine. As the end is yet to come and this is just the beginning. 

It would be absolutely catastrophic...  My anxiety is flying faster than the speed of light everyday there's a fear to wake up to like other people... where some of them who are lonely are suffering with depression and becoming medicated for it and are losing their sanity. it can change the best of people the most happiest chilled and calm to depressed and wondering if they're going to be safe everyday after taking a footstep out of your home without fearing you taken a step into a stairway into your death... if this is what is on hold for me and across the world then honestly... what is the F*ckin point? 

Still I guess lockdown hasn't been all bad... it did bring the community together when we were standing together as one clapping for the NHS, it gave us time to think and focus on ourselves and gave us time to reflect o ourselves... by learning by our mistakes and mishaps and finding out more about ourselves... it enabled me to focus on Uni work, encouraged me to try different hobbies that I haven't done in a long time and another good thing about this is it has brought my family together more... where in life before lockdown I wasn't seeing them as much and I didn't realise just how little time I spent with the people who mean the world to me as I had before lockdown... it has taught me to love the little things and to not take a luxury for granted and to enjoy life the best you can no matter what it throws at you and to live everyday like its your last day.  I guess you have gotta be an optimist in these tough times and find hope... and to look for the light at the end of the tunnel "and thats the way the cookie crumbles"... as Jim Carrey says and thats just as good as it gets these days... one day we will break free!

Here's some of my highlights put together in. photographed format!